Lesson 1: Fights at 4:30 a.m. are not spectator sports

After leaving an Isla Vista party and heading home on foot, a City College student stopped along Del Playa Drive to watch a fight in progress at 4:30 a.m. The victim recalled how, while he was standing watching from the sidelines, the fight suddenly engulfed him.

Before he could explain he was merely an onlooker, five men “jumped him.” Although he tried to tell his assailants he wasn’t the guy they were after, they continued to beat him until deputies came to his rescue. But not, alas, before the innocent bystander suffered a fractured jaw and a broken tooth.

Coherent despite the nasty beating, the victim was able to identify one assailant at an in-field lineup at the scene of the crime, leading to the suspect’s arrest.

Picture-taking pervert

A man, 29, caught using his cell phone to take an “up skirt” photograph of a woman without her consent, told authorities he was “just playing around.” While standing in the pharmacy area of the Marketplace Drive wholesale store, the victim told authorities she felt something touch her leg. When she turned around, she found the man standing behind her with his arm outstretched behaving suspiciously.

As reality set-in, the woman exclaimed, “That guy just took a picture up my skirt.”

Coming to her aide, a bystander contacted the subject who had now pulled the memory card out of his cell phone and appeared to be erasing things from his phone.

At 11 a.m., with the suspect still detained, the store manager contacted law enforcement. The subject was arrested and booked for using a camera “to secretly photograph the body of another without their consent.”

Scary stuff

A Verona Avenue resident awoke on a recent Monday morning to find an unknown 6-year-old child sitting in his driveway. After searching the neighborhood with no leads, the man contacted authorities. Upon arrival, one deputy called to check on the welfare of the child immediately recognized him as the son of a woman with whom authorities have had previous contact in Goleta.

The boy’s mother, hearing the commotion outside her open front door when deputies returned her child at 9:20 a.m., shot out of bed in a living room strewn with empty beer and wine bottles.

“My son,” she exclaimed. Confused about how her child got out of the house, the woman explained to deputies that — prior to this incident — he did no know how to open the door.

Deputies asked the woman, who smelled of alcohol, if she’d been drinking. According to the report, the woman told authorities she drank her last beer before taking a sleeping pill at 2:30 a.m.

After returning the child to the mother’s care, Child Welfare Services was contacted to further investigate the matter, citing unclean living conditions and inattentive parenting.

Return to sender

A package stamped “return to sender” was delivered to the correct name and address of the supposed sender; however, when the Goleta dentist opened the unfamiliar package, he found 26 grams of marijuana. Clearly not something he had sent, the dentist called authorities to investigate.

It appeared the mysterious sender had used the dentist’s name and address to send the pot through the U.S. Postal Service to an addressee in Minnesota, but forgot to include the zip code. So the package was returned to the ostensible sender.

With the marijuana and packaging booked as evidence, the report was filed as a suspicious circumstance.

Trippin’

A San Marcos Road resident contacted authorities when a man wearing only boxer shorts and a brown T-shirt wandered into her back yard. Making contact with the mumbling intruder, the resident quickly realized the young man was hallucinating. Leading him back to her driveway, she gave the disoriented man a glass of water, and waited for law enforcement to arrive on the scene.

Continually exhibiting bizarre behavior and talking to himself, the male was transported to the station for questioning and drug testing. Unable to stay focused, the young man was reminded to urinate in the cup. However, instead of urinating, the man lifted the cup in an attempt to drink from the empty beaker.

Throughout the interview, it was noted in the report, the subject continually puffed on an imaginary cigarette.

After a painstaking dialogue, the 18-year-old, who admitted smoking “laced marijuana” at a party the night prior, was arrested for being under the influence of a controlled substance.

Another criminal genius

Surprised by his arrest, the 17-year-old recently caught shoplifting from a Hollister Avenue discount store told authorities he’d “done it before,” but hadn’t been caught. His first time, he added, was just a few months ago at the same Hollister Avenue location.

Among the teen’s contraband of clothes were hair extensions.

Would you leave $2,000 laying around in Isla Vista?

A tackle box and four fishing rods, including one 11-foot-pole named “Mr. Big Reel,” remain missing after a burglar stole the equipment from an unsecured truck bed. The burglary occurred while the truck was parked overnight on Trigo Road in Isla Vista.

The victim, a 24-year-old UCSB student, estimates his loss around $2,000.

Bad place to pass out

Spotting a car parked illegally after dark in a beach access parking lot along the 8300 block of Hollister Avenue, resort security called law enforcement for assistance. With the help of deputies, security guards rousted the young male driver who had apparently passed out in the driver’s seat of his vehicle with his emergency flashers engaged sometime before 1:45 a.m.

Initially unable to wake the sleeping man, deputies opened the car door. An unmistakable waft of alcohol was a clear sign the man had been drinking. During the preliminary interview with the subject, it was noted, he fell asleep numerous times. Unsure of his whereabouts, or how he got there, the 22-year-old with New York license plates was arrested for public intoxication.

Climbing the walls

A Santa Barbara County Jail inmate learned what it was like to be locked in a jail cell with someone coming off a heroin binge. One recent morning, while conducting the morning head count, jail personnel found the inmate holding a bloody towel to his face.

“This guy is crazy,” announced the 48-year-old inmate, referring to his cellmate who was lying on his bunk bed. The bleeding inmate explained how, over the course of the night, the roommate’s attitude oscillated between angry and agitated. At one point, the victim said, the roommate attacked him, biting his thumb and striking his face.

After the inmates were secured, the victim was treated for his injuries and the suspect was transferred to another cell after he was re-arrested for battery.